I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
my poor anus
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
