and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
