I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
