im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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