is your mom at the bar?
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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