did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
