I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
