Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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