Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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