so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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