Will you blow on my dice?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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