My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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