hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
