you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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