matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
