The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
