Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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