Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
