just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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