I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
