Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize