i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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