I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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