...so i touched it.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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