I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
