I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You made out with two different species that night
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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