I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
