my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
