I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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