I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
