My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
