you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
