Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
