No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
