all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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