You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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