I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
