i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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