this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
