I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
