i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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