I'm going to jail i love you
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
