Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize