he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
