The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
