I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
