Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
