He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is my gift to your gina
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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