i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize