It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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