How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
These tits shall not be calmed
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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