I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
