Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
