I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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