just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
