I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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