So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
