Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
