Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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