Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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