Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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