I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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