dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
