I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
