We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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