I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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