if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
