My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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