Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize