Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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